I’m an ex incel myself, but I’ve been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. “I’m not attractive enough”, “I don’t socialize correctly”, “I’ll never find a woman” - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I’m now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what’s your story?

    • Allero@lemmy.today
      4·
      4 months ago

      You raised a very important point, as I see it.

      One thing we should remember is that incels become so not through the evil hearts, but through disappointment in society in general and women in particular.

      Blaming incels only makes it worse, in a way.

      Calling out? Good, especially in private. Going hostile? No, thanks. While incel mentality may often make a person aggressive, this is absolutely the case when return aggression is more of a reinforcement than anything.

      For you personally I wish to find the person who fits and likes you. I would warn against dating services, though, as they are known drivers of frustration - and they are designed to keep you hooked, which means not actually giving you the person you’ll love (and leave the service for good). Communities around common interests seem to me like the best place to find both friends and lovers.

    • kava@lemmy.world
      2·
      4 months ago

      Vulnerability is attractive. But not trauma dumping.

      There’s a time and a place. So don’t be afraid of opening up, you just have to do it in an attempt to connect with people. Not to try and abuse their attention for validation.

      Secondly, never pay for an app membership. It’s not worth it and you’re getting the wrong idea how it works.

      Make a casual profile with some good pictures and send casual messages. Try to be light hearted and show a little bit of personality.

      That’s all you need. Anything more is a red flag to most women. Realize they are trying to sift through hundreds of people. They maybe have a few seconds to look through your profile.

      Also stop using the word cuck. Don’t be terminally online and read some books. Expand your perspective. Women are attracted to empathetic and intelligent men. Someone who pays attention and listens. They will give you a lot if you give it back.