Why is this a shitpost?
I chuckled at the good advice coming from porn-alt2 but think it is more ironically wholesome than a shitpost.
The alt speaks most honestly without fear of retribution.
Oh please, I tried that “fake it til you make it” horseshit and it was worn away through years of constant shitheads using me for their entertainment, all the while trying my hardest to believe it would come eventually.
The hard facts of life are this: life is not a fairy tale. Not every story has a happy ending. As you read this, there are kids out there catching bullets in Gaza who will never even get to finish puberty, let alone find love. Nothing is guaranteed – you can try as hard as you want at something, and sometimes you simply will not have it for factors entirely outside of your control. Some people will never be able to serve on submarines, because they are too tall. Some people will never be able to be a commercial pilot, because they are colorblind. Likewise, some of us just aren’t destined for love, be it for any myriad constellations of internal and external factors.
In my case, I have mild autism, and I can never mask well enough that someone decent won’t see through my facade. Oh, sure, I’m apparently fun to be around for brief periods at a time, but I guess the novelty of a spastic wears off for them and they quickly make their exit, ghosting me soon enough. But more upsettingly, all the horrible people who stick around to use me for their entertainment, I can never see through theirs before it’s too late.
It’s not fair. But sometimes that’s just how things are.
And now, knowing what I do, I’d not put effort towards something as hard to find and keep as love. At least when I put my efforts towards other pursuits, I can see measurable progress in some way. Trying to find love was like ramming my head against a brick wall and hoping the wall would break before I did. If you want to help someone who’s on that “forever alone” drivel, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but they’re much better off putting their effort towards things they’re actually making progress in. Your best chance of finding love in such a scenario? Dumb luck. It will either fall out of the great blue sky for you, or it won’t, and that’s just how it is.
You’re right, life isn’t fair, and isn’t ever going to be everything going the way you want.
I would still challenge you about the attitude that everything is completely outside your control. You’ve heard the quote, “the harder I work the luckier I get”?
Yes, our opportunities are constrained by the world around us. If you tell a kid they can become president, that’s almost certainly not true. But by working on yourself, by recognizing your strengths, by focusing on what’s important to you, you can position yourself to take advantage of the opportunities you get.
In the dating world that could look like participating in activities you enjoy that also involve other people (tabletop games, bird watching, skydiving whatever). You might never meet someone at those things, but by increasing the volume of human interaction, you’re improving your odds, while also honing your social skills if the occasion arises.
It doesn’t require trying to be someone you’re not, and will also be counterproductive if you do. In sales sometimes they’ll tell you to “go for the no.” If someone isn’t going to buy you want to find that out quickly so you can spend your time on someone who will. In a relationship, if someone is going to reject who you are, you want to find that out quickly, not pretend to be some other person.
I never said everything is outside your control, don’t put words in my mouth. There are some things you can change, and some things you can’t. And after spending long enough trying different things and taking stock of what I’ve tried in the dating game, and not a single human being has ever had any genuine interest in me, as I approach my 30s – I have come to this conclusion not through flip “woe is me” bullshit over a night of binge drinking, this is years of depression and deep thought on it. I accept the reality that is presented to me, and the reality is that whatever drives others away is simply not something I can change, and my best going theory is I’m just an annoying fucking spastic who can’t see through bullshit. That’s not to say I know that for certain, just that I’ve tried changing up everything that I can (and am willing to) change to attract another person – from small things to large – and it’s never helped, and I’ve tried for long enough.
Some of us just aren’t meant to have certain things in life.
Not with that attitude, no.
Sorry, that’s not a nice thing to say, but in your other comment you say something completely differen “it is what it is”. That is a much better approach and also your own words as well. I think that one is actually “the key to happines”. You might not have been able to find a compatible partner now, but you’re not even 30. It would’ve been nice to have someone by now, but getting older does not mean that you’ve wasted your chances to find love. That’s the vibe I get from you. But it is not true. There are tons of stories of people finding love later in life. Even in elder care homes.
It is what it is, that is true. Don’t let bad luck get you down, but also don’t close yourself off for future possibilities. Be your own person and just live your life in the now and try to focus more on the good parts. Other good things might come later, or not, it is what it is.
Ah, yes, “your attitude now is bad so clearly your attitude was always bad and that’s why you’re alone”. Naw, I used to have a better attitude, as I said in my original comment, and having a good attitude didn’t help one bit (which was the point of my original comment). And trying to pretend it does, doesn’t help anyone – I could have the sunniest disposition in the world, but that doesn’t change shit about the world around me – being an optimist doesn’t help you if, say, the house is on fire. And the world around me wants very little to do with me romantically, and pretty much always has. I can either accept that, or I can live in denial of it, but neither changes it.
Sadly and unfortunately true. Though the reality is that it’s still bitter and acidic eating away at someone who craves connection. Luck, it seems, is really the determinate factor in much of life.
Still, I hope you get lucky and find what you want from life as much as I hope for it myself.
Oh, believe me, I spent long enough being upset about the lack of human connection I have. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow. Now I’m mostly just numb to it – but selling someone on a fairy tale ending “if they just believe in themselves!” that may not happen is just cruel.
It is what it is.
Fake it till you make it is a mindset and approach to overcome self doubt and to be able to improve self confidence. It not a guarantee of success nor does it include ignoring obstacles in your way.
I don’t mean to give you unrequested advice so apologies if I come across as dismissive of your experience. I just feel like I can add some points that people in your situation might benefit from.
And that is to not chase love in itself. I found that as I got older I also accepted that I would grow old without a romantic relationship. Though I did invest time in my friendship relationships, and that did work.
While being somewhat saddened by it, I accepted that the chances of me finding love through dating apps was low, in particular because I don’t want to have kids, which obviously is a deal-breaker for many people. So my approach there was to just try to enjoy the moment without expectations and without judgement. If I got a match I’d try to have a fun conversation, if it was fun I’d try to set up a date, and if that was fun I’d keep it going. Just going for having an enjoyable time at that moment without expectations. It made even the dates that weren’t going anywhere long term enjoyable experiences, with the occasional opportunity for physical intimacy with someone who was on the same page about expectations. I could have lived like that but just got plain lucky this year I think. For me it still feels amazing to have happened so I’m not going to type lies and say it will happen for everyone. But I went into this relationship with no expectations either so regardless of what happens in the future I will treasure what is happening now, as I’m a relationship with the most amazing woman who adores aspects of me that would often be things other dates told me made me seem immature and obsessive.
So, you and people that relate to you, I genuinely wish you happiness and good things. In all aspects of life. But please don’t give up on meeting new people if you can, you might make someone else happy just by existing. Or if not you could at least give them a nice date.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted… You nailed it, man.
For me that post wasn’t about “faking it”, but truly finding something in yourself you can take confidence in. So I guess, as you said, putting effort towards other things seems like it could work, and also having interests and projects is attractive! At least to me it is.
And i get being bitter and defensive if you have been hurt, but that is only going to push others away. I don’t write this to give advice so apologies if it sounds like that. What you wrote just reminded me of a guy I know with mild autism who has a similar view on life and relationships. And he is cool, fun, knows a lot about interesting topics, and yeah is also oblivious about social clues but that is not a problem. What is a problem is when he is bitter, defensive and blames everything on others while not seeing what he does wrong (probably related with his condition but still). When he is like that, he is a chore to be around, and when people try to tell him he only feels attacked so he won’t listen. As I said, no advice, just wanted to share, maybe it’s not that similar to your case. Best of luck to you
They were talking about sex, not love. Many autistic folk have sex, so if that’s your excuse, it’s not a great one.
I’m on the autism spectrum too. I’m on my second marriage. My current partner knows I’m n the spectrum, and (mostly) accepts it. We’ve been married for eight years. My prior partner and I married before I was tested; they kept expecting me to change.
And now, knowing what I do, I’d not put effort towards something as hard to find and keep as love.
Here’s the secret: NT people also have to put in effort to find and keep love. There are no fairy tales for anyone, and it requires effort from everyone. If you’re not willing to put in that effort, then no, you’re never going to find and keep love. And there aren’t guarantees, because you’re talking about another person, one that has their own internal life, and is making their own choices. When I practice shooting, my improvement in that area is entirely on me; my gun doesn’t have it’s own will. It is an extension of me. When I’m working on connecting to my partner, they still have their own agency. So if I don’t seem to be making progress, that may not be me at all, but due to their choices.
Good for you, I’m glad you have better luck than I do.
You seem to think that because I’m not willing to put in effort anymore, that means I never did. Allow me to correct you. I spent long enough putting in extraordinary amounts of effort for a very long time and merely got shit on in return, but I’m glad it worked out better for you, really I am. But in so many words, I’m the one who gets to decide when I’ve had enough heartbreak, not you.
Sure, you can decide when you’re done.
But in my experience, most people on the spectrum say that they’re putting in effort, but they’re not even putting in the bare minimum. They–by which I mean we–have skewed perceptions, because we lack a certain type of effective empathy. We have a hard time seeing ourselves the way other people might, and assume that people are able to see what we intend, rather than the results.
You can decide that you’re done. You can’t create a false, bullshit narrative, and then expect everyone to accept your “truth” as some kind of universally correct thing. Like, “Likewise, some of us just aren’t destined for love, be it for any myriad constellations of internal and external factors,” because, hey, there’s no such fucking thing as “destiny”. There’s no predetermination like that; having a successful relationship isn’t determined by physical–or even mental–standards that are absolute. Every single potential partner has different standards and needs, so if you can’t meet one person’s needs, you move on. All the shit you talk about is not unique to ND people.
…Because everyone has to change and compromise in any romantic relationship.
Every guy: shit it’s so difficult to find sex, love, companionship, or any of the above, it’s actually depressing
Every girl: just be yourself lol idk all that stuff just naturally is available to me
I was literally the every guy in the comment then this past week I went to a totally new type of music festival and got out of my comfort zone and I have a prospective new friendship/relationship already and made tons of new friends to make plans with for the winter! Sometimes it just takes getting out of your comfort zone, but as a super socially anxious person, I know how hard that can be.
just be yourself
Says the people that tell you to hit the gym because you are unacceptable.
When people say “be yourself” they mean don’t fake your personality. You can be genuine about your personality while still putting forth an effort to improve yourself physically.
I mean you should also always be putting in effort to improve yourself emotionally and intellectually as well.
If the comment I was replying to mentioned something related to emotional/intellectual growth then I would’ve mentioned those.
People have low tolerance for being anxious and lacking confidence. You just get walked over or declared safe to be shitty to as soon as social weakness is seen.
Believe in the porn alt 2 that belives in you.
Sex is like emotional support, I’ll take it where I can get it.
The true path of faking it till you make it isn’t to gain a significant other, but to become emotionally settled enough that you don’t even need one.
Which, when done in earnest, is ironically usually the best thing you can do to raise your chances of getting a partner.
But now I don’t want a partner because they’ll throw off the delicate level of being okay with myself that I’ve achieved.
Making you that much more attractive! It’s a vicious cycle!
Turning down a potential partner is certainly known to make you 10x more desirable.
Missing: context of the kink. My educated guess: scat?
The name of the person answering
This sad determinism is bullshit. While it is unlikely that i will find a partner, for reasons i would rather not talk about, it may happen very fast ‘out of the blue’. Nearly happened to me, but it did not work out in the end. Which was again pretty random and surprising. What i am trying to say is, do not beat yourself up about a future that is literally unpredictable and try to enjoy life as much as possible with what you have got.
Fake it till you make it is legit good advice
Girls are dumb. Build RC cars and kick ass dudes
i think girls are actually kinda goated tbh
Then explain this
Why is it that Boys go to college to get more knowledge While Girls go to Jupiter cause they are stupider
well clearly you havent been to jupiter or college because everybody knows its boys that go to jupiter to get more stupider while girls go to college to do cool girl shit like breathing.
